WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
