I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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