Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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