It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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