her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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