You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is the high leading the old right now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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