I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
