we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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