Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
