This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
