Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
