I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Floor bacon is actually really good
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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