I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize