I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
