Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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