I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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