I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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