That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
