I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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