this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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