bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
