The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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