My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
