why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
