That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you didnt know i had herpes?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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