Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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