I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
