What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
