So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
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I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
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I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
where are my eyebrows?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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