I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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