So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
