you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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