Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They took my balls.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
