Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
