i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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