I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm passing your future prison.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
