i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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