Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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