this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
