a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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