I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize