I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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