Will you blow on my dice?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
