I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
