you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
