My underwear smells like fireworks.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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