true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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