I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
