i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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