Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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