I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
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we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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