Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
