Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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